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| How long has it been? I'm not even going to bother checking. I rarely, if ever, feel compelled to blog anymore, and even if I do it is not a thought I entertain for very long. Why? I'm not sure. I suppose there are some partial reasons, including: - I feel like blogging things takes away the need to actually communicate them with human beings.
- I wish to communicate with human beings.
- In communicating with the right human beings, the relief and contentment that come as a result are almost tangible.
- There are a lot of memories tied to my blogging history that all too often worsen my mood, as some words and/or feelings are not words I'm proud of.
- I do not wish to forget any un-fond memories, but neither do I wish to have to remember them via a website that reeks profoundly of my adolescent childishness.
- If not ranting, I never feel like I know what purposeful things to write about, and when I do, it implies continuity, but I can never continue.
- I have already proven I'm fine without a virtual dumping ground for quite some time.
I'll still be around I guess, to be perused, and so that I may peruse the dumping grounds of friends... however I strongly doubt there will many, if any, further entries on my part. Hence the title... in part. I think I mentioned a while back the phenomenon of finishing a story set in a lovable, palpable world. Finishing Assassin's Creed: Revelations wrapped up Ezio Auditore's ridiculous, impossible, but still awesome and grand adventures, leaving me so attached to his character as to want to see the bits and pieces of his life that I didn't get to see. To witness the birth and death and major life events of a character and their development throughout was truly amazing and endearing. However, this was just Ezio Auditore's life, and now I eagerly await the series' conclusion in Assassin's Creed 3. Finishing The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was far more traumatic. I loved every minute of the story (not necessarily the game... some really annoying side-quests and such), from the opening scene where Link falls out of bed to a note from Zelda, to the middle of the game where she performs self-sacrificial magic to prevent the spread of evil, to the end, where the two are finally together and safe and happy once more (uhh... spoiler alert). The heavenly music and memorable themes and variations acted as a sort of polish that not only brightened what could have been a dull lump of rock, but polished it so that it sparkled with a richness and intensity rivalled by few. Strange as I may sound by saying this, this game was one of the most touching love stories I have ever witnessed... aided, surely, by a sense of familiarity those new to the series may not understand. As a result of the gaping hole in my heart afterwards, I turned to fanfiction - one of which has been surprisingly, spectacularly suspenseful, save for a few hastily-written chapters, and I suppose some realllllllly cheesy things (hey, I like that stuff, okay?). If you've played the game or are familiar with the plot, then... well I guess I'll recommend it, even: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7649356/1/Finally And just a few hours ago, after just one week of reading with increased vigor, having finished Brisingr in about three weeks immediately prior to it, I finished Inheritance (or The Vault of Souls) of the Inheritance Cycle (formerly Trilogy), by the near-prodigal young writer Christopher Paolini. The strangest part is that 100 pages into Brisingr, the third book, I gave up on it. This was about two years ago, whenever it first came out. It was two years prior that I had finished Eldest, the second book, and while I greatly anticipated the next one that anticipation faded as did my interest in the fantasy genre. But just about a month ago I tried it again, having received Inheritance for Christmas, prompting me to realize I needed to try to finish the Cycle. After revisiting familiar pages I was gradually gripped and pulled into the world once more... and now here I am, despairing over the end of another journey in another land. I suppose the reading hiatus I took could be explained by the fact that I could not relate to Eragon as well back then, or was not in the right head space to appreciate many of the words and ideas on the pages. But now... I've witnessed the departure of one of the most personally relatable characters for me yet, and the circumstances of the ending leave me bittersweetly satisfied... knowing that it's only right that it ended thusly but heartbroken that it had to be so, and that I know longer shall witness any more of it. I dare not approach any fanfiction for this, as it is not a world that has been established for 25 years, like the Legend of Zelda series. It is not as familiar or understood, let alone witnessed. I could try, but... to what end?!? Okay, so I just wrote about not needing to blog anymore. That much remains true, however in this instance I have far too many words and thoughts and ideas that have been injected into me through the books to go without excreting some. I feel the need to write... not blog, but tell a story... however, as I have no original ideas coming to me, blog it shall be... so as to give proper, if uncertain, conclusion to the expectancy of seeing fresh words on this strangely-coloured website. Whether this conclusion is temporary or permanent I cannot say, but it is a conclusion. I always wanted to be a writer, to some degree. However, I doubt I could withstand the trauma of finishing and publishing the last book in a series that cost me years of thought and work and time and emotion. I'm not a huge fan of conclusions to glorious/peaceful/inspiring things. I suppose I am not alone in this feeling, but... Well, while I may not become a writer, I'm sure I'll know a couple of good published writers later in life... and thanks to the books I've finished in the past year, I do know that I'll always be a reader - and oh, how I missed it. And now, the words that I nearly spilt tears over but a few hours ago. The words I dread to witness, write, and speak in regards to any journey. The words that provide an infallible yet paradoxical sense of closure and longing. The words that, quite literally, close the final chapter - close the book. The End. | | |
| Chuck Testa. I have that nagging feeling that I need to actually write out my real 'New Year' (more like 'Life Long') resolutions - in such a way that I identify an issue or problem that I need to deal with, examples of how I've let them beat me before, and how I can fight it and become more organized/focused/productive/enlightened/peaceful/determined/happy/understanding/etc. But then January got busy and like everything else I just said "meh, it's not that important, and it's only another distraction..." Hah! Because this worse than the other things I waste my time with... Such as a recent mistake of mine - after beating Skyward Sword I was so distraught by the ending of the most beautiful (love?) story I've seen in a Nintendo game (not to mention the most gratifying in the Zelda series) that... I searched up fanfiction. Like finishing the Harry Potter series, I felt like I had just lost a huge chunk of my soul after closing the book. Watching "The End" fade away on my TV had the same effect. I wanted that universe to continue playing out before me, I wanted to continue experiencing the natural wonder and beauty and realistic depth to the wonderful characters' deep and strong relationships, I wanted to keep living vicariously in the fictional worlds that had drawn me so far in. So of the hundreds I glanced over, one looked particularly good and now has me hooked, waiting for the 13th chapter... one that is (for the most part) very true to the characters and actually an intriguing sequel-like plot-based story, as opposed to "Link and Zelda made a house together and lived happily ever after on the surface". No, this one is dark and suspenseful and conflicting and intriguing and true to the original story and characters - whilst still delivering a just-satisfying-enough amount of what readers want to see in terms of character relationships. Then I stumbled on a short Pokemon fanfic that drew me in and spat me out. It was written in a little more of a juvenile sense (but hey, it IS Pokemon...) but was captivating and ended with a sad and troubling mystery that probably won't ever be answered - and this one solely featured original characters! Then I found a much, much, much darker one involving a terrible series of events that basically exile Ash Ketchum from the four regions and turn him into a vengeful, powerful being that returns to save the regions from themselves and the 'gang warfare' going on within (the Teams - Rocket, Aqua, Magma, Galaxy, Plasma... didn't mention Snagem though)... it's for mature audiences only but damn is it intense and intriguing. For sanity's sake I'm going to restrict myself to following those two, but the urge to write my own or continue reading others remains. I went for a walk when I got home at 11:30 tonight. We've had like three solid days of thick fog that has given the trees throughout the city a severe and absolutely gorgeous case of hoar frost. Every tree now looks like it is made of crystals. Walking amongst all that before it presumably melts with tomorrow's unusual temperature surge... it was refreshing and relaxing, to say the least... a healthy motivational break. Life goes on, and my gradual uphill struggle to be more organized/focused/productive/enlightened/peaceful/determined/happy/understanding/etc will continue. Of all the things I could have written about during the past month, I chose this? Hah. Well, nothing ever goes according to plan. -kms | | |
| A monumental weekend has come and gone - amongst my 2011 New Year's experiences are: - Driving faster than I've ever driven in ridiculous fog in complete darkness
- Many feeble attempts to amuse ourselves and stay conscious, including playing and singing a mix of silly songs and games
- Mountain Dew - so many different kinds!
- Taking endless but perhaps well-deserved shit from everyone for 24+ hours
- Call of Cthulu - the silent movie
- Staying in a fantastic home with beautiful people and meeting some awesome new people as well
- Dubstep Pokemon theme song
- Dying via AIDS in Brawl
- Reverse Truth or Dare
- Hugs of all varieties - short hugs, long hugs, happy hugs, shocked hugs, sad hugs, totally-sick-of-you hugs, awkward hugs, greeting hugs, and farewell hugs
- Sparkling juice yay!
- Hot-tubbing with lively 50-year-olds
- Gas pump failing
- Surprising the shit out of friends I won't see for a long time
- The traditional passport-forgetting
- and so on, and so on...
I find it interesting how this even came to be... yes, it makes sense because of band camp, but we are three strange and unlikely but awesome friends, and I would not have traded this varied and amazing experience for anything. I'm glad my first non-family road trip was with you two, despite the herps and the derps and the fog and the bumpy roads here and there! Hopefully when we're not sick of each other (in a few months?) we can enjoy each other's company again! All in all I have come home and developed mixed feelings - mostly because of the trip and the uphill battles that lie ahead, but also because of some horrendous and childish Facebook drama that I somehow became involved in. Facebook really IS depressing. Of course, me blogging about it just makes me a whiny little bitch, now doesn't it? Ooh here comes the bitterness spawned from the conundrum of taking 24+ hours of blame and joking/humorous insults that I take way too much to heart - the conundrum between sucking it up and appearing to sulk about it, or trying to express my displeasure but being silenced with more of it all... Eck. TL;DR - Great trip! Glad I'm home! I'm complaining about stupid things! Oh... Resolutions... right! Essentially, like I said before... Effort. Motivation. Focus. Routine. Structure. Passion. Determination. Consistency. Persistence. Activeness. Communication. To use the traditional "7 Deadly Sins" of the Christian faith, I primarily need to cut down on Sloth, seconded by a mix of Gluttony, Greed, Envy, and Pride. Lust and Wrath are hardly forgotten either, but as they are all linked I'll try thinking mostly about Sloth I guess. Which means I should shut up, quit my pointless confused/depressed bickering, and get some sleep! Welcome to - as the Gregorian calendar prescribes - 2012 AD/CE! According to the ancient Mayans we have just less than a year to live, so live well and live wisely, my friends! -kms | | |
| This year I resolve to make some solid resolutions. But not like that one - I'm going to actually write to myself about what I need to do and how I need to do it. This way I'm not just saying "I should do this" but am instead reminding myself in a thoughtful manner of how I can overcome and accomplish the things that need to get done in order to gain greater control and independence in my life. This is inspired by lonesome late night driving and walking under the cold, clouded somewhat-winter sky. And perhaps even more so by the ridiculously low amount of motivation I feel and effort I have been putting into the things I'm supposedly saying I'm devoting much of my life to doing. I need to prioritize, and then go out and do these things, so that I can get my shit together for real and start moving ahead in my life once more. First, I need a job, so that I can afford to pay for the social outings that always cost way more than they need to, not to mention the repair on the car that I almost got written off last month. Additionally, if I continue borrowing family vehicles, I'm going to need gas money. Auditions, applications, ensembles... everything costs money. And while I could spend time shifting some blame to how I've been raised or how things shouldn't cost as much as they should (if anything), I do have to just realize that this is how it is and I need to deal with it. Of course, getting a job isn't just as easy as saying "I'm working here now". No, there's the applying and waiting game that happens for an unknowable period of time, where I'm stuck in money-spending limbo waiting for an opportunity to earn it back. Second... I'm not sure, but the rest involves developing a personal routine for myself that I will practice and stick to and further develop for the rest of my life. No more 4 AM bedtimes and 2 PM wake-ups. I mean that obviously doesn't happen during school, but even during school I have to learn to go to bed before midnight. Basically my entire life revamp involves motivating myself and putting in effort and learning to be consistent in my efforts. I know I can do this at any time, however, as things are lined up right now, it just so happens that the soonest I can really have a day to myself to sort this all out and start over on a small scale is within the first week of 2012... so, my resolutions will just coincidentally be New Year's resolutions. I pray that my trip to Bismarck for New Year's goes safely and full of fun. I know it will, but I'm not always confident in my driving, especially not in Afton's car... Interesting how things work out, isn't it? There is certainly some irony involved in the simple fact that this trip is happening in the first place... I've been up this late so frequently lately that I feel wide awake. This needs to change. Also I need to get up early. Toodle-oo! -kms | | |
| Discussion has led me back to a state of great frustration and mental stress, which are topped by the cherry that is the amalgamation of all the little things that have troubled me slightly in recent days and weeks. How much of it will I even get into? Probably very little beyond just venting my frustration and mixed emotions into a virtual space that simply traps my feelings and numbs the mental strain. I simply cannot comprehend the logic behind what certain people believe, despite my immense respect for them and their positive ambitions. It bewilders me that people with such negative, condemning notions of how the world works can still go on and make people happy and have incredible positive ambitions for their lives and their influence. This particular friend of mine is an amazing and admirable person who I respect beyond measure, and yet I can not finish a thought before it is turned away or shot down by harshly blunt, if honest, confidence in her own way of thought. And yet she is so open and apparently non-judgemental, and comes off as such on a regular basis. I feel absolutely flustered trying to continue conversing because I cannot express my frustration comprehensibly (because I don't even KNOW why it's so goddamn frustrating) and thus become more frustrated as the trains of thought diverge even further. I can't even think straight right now. Why am I blogging? I don't know. Why have I blogged before? Everything I do feels so juvenile, meaningless, and/or regressive. Which is understandable to an extent because I have not put much effort into doing important things in my life since the whole exam craze started, like practising trumpet and exercising (not that I ever really went out my way to do that before anyways...) and not sitting in front of an Xbox or computer for 8 hours straight. Which always irks me further when I decide to blog. Hypocritical much... Let's come clean. I resort to a number of things to 'drown my sorrows'. Great, I don't drink alcohol, but the alternatives I have chosen out of habit aren't exactly good for me either. Be it any one of varied uses of the internet or simply a television screen and some old school games, or even worse for me... routine midnight desserts... I'm not going to last long one way or another - be it physical health, mental health, emotional health... you name it. I stand by and will continue to stand by my belief that everyone has a spark. Different people have different sparks, and different people see other people's sparks differently, if they see them at all. Not everyone lights up their spark right away, or even remotely soon. I think it is terrible though to simply condemn those whose spark one does not see as 'without spark'. Different people like different things and have different methods and preferences of approaching them. Life is a balancing act, yes, but I don't think that means everyone needs to balance all the same activities and experiences (maybe TYPES of experiences) as everyone else. I am a lazy fuck who spends way too much time thinking and not enough time doing... although there is balance needed there as well. Despite that, I am also apparently a wonderful person is just way too damn hard on himself 90% of the time, and arbitrarily chooses to go out of his way to do things that other people should be doing sometimes. Of course I can't complain about it though, because that makes me a hypocrite. How much should I be expecting of the big band members? The past two rehearsals have been busts for very stupid reasons. Not enough people have showed up because either people who were supposed to come straight up forgot or did not check the Facebook group, which I mention EVERY TIME and has been the reason half of our rehearsals have not been what I had hoped they would be. No, I can't expect them to check that, even though 90% of these people are on Facebook for hours daily, because it's not an active reminder that specifically notifies and addresses their attention. I have to start calling people now because of this terribly flimsy communication strategy of mine. Yeah, it is my fault for the poor communication, despite the laziness of those who can easily find out about all of this but decide to wait to be directly notified anyways - AND YET, after being the one to put in all the effort to make this happen, is it really my fault? THEN AGAIN how much effort REALLY does it take? I photocopied some music, booked rehearsal space, asked some friends to play music. How hard was that? Anyone could do that. Regardless, my immense frustration with the Faculty of Music remains for not providing such an opportunity in the first place, after years of having it. But I can't complain because there are many benefits to attending school here and learning to 'suck it up, princess' and go and do my own thing, like this. AND YET should it REALLY be this fucking hard to do what I want to do? THEN AGAIN, is it REALLY that hard? Conundrums confuse and confound me to the crest of crying and craziness. Of course, that's what it's all about... balancing out both sides to these eternal conundrums. :I I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in the beautiful virtual world of sixteenth-century Constantinople with one of my favourite fictional characters who hilariously appeared in my Secret Santa card last night - Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Cheers, friends. And... whoever reads this mind trap now... :S | | |
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